AM 302: Contrast in Emotion planning part three

In case anyone was curious... the reason I have been posting these sketch book photos rather than scans, which look better, is because I tend to work really late at night and I don't want the sound of the scanner to wake Annie. I figure these get the point across even though the presentation isn't as appealing. :\

So after giving much thought to the comments my Mentor made tonight I feel that I needed to dig a little deeper on this shot. This was his synopsis of story...

"A character is introduced, (setup) she/he has a goal, (inciting incident) they go through obstacles to reach that goal, (act 2) they face the largest obstacle of all and they either achieve the goal or they don't, (climax) then we see how they feel about that (resolution)."

Looking back over my ideas for this assignment I really felt that was most lacking was the goal. And without the goal the audience doesn't have a reason to care about the actions of the character. With that being said I tried to think of a better setup, still within the same realm, that had more for my viewers to take interest in without going overboard.

This is what I came up....

Shot composition: is Stewie in background crouched on a ledge looking down on a gun out in front of him in the extreme foreground.

He looks down at the gun and then up behind it and past camera with a bit of fear but more importantly with determination.

Here are my story beats. (Same as those outlined in the sketch above)

Goal: Get the gun before the other guy.
Obstacle: Distance
Act 2: Leaping to get the gun but literally falls short.
Climax: While he is still on the ground from the fall a hand reaches into frame and picks up the gun.
Resolution: He is defeated. Bangs fist on ground in anger and lets his body drop to the floor in defeat and disappointment.

I have a back story for all of this action but that is more for me to know and think about when animating, the focus for any viewer should be the shot itself.

Please let me know what you think. I would love any feedback I can get. I have already started setting up the scene, nothing major, but I need to start blocking soon. Thanks!